Walking into the church, not even as a new Christian, but as a “non-believer”, I often felt out of place amid the generations of families and the joyful followers surrounding me. They all seemed like they’d grown up in church–and many of them have. I didn’t know the first thing about God. And honestly, the overflow of love with which I was welcomed terrified me. As a lost sheep wandering into this established flock, even in the loving, attentive company of the friend who invited me, I felt paranoia and pressure. It was like a fear rushing up through my body telling me that they knew I didn’t belong, that I wasn’t one of them.
I later realized that this is a tool of the enemy, telling us we don’t belong in the presence of God. And what I learned is that really, none of us belong in God’s Holy presence. That’s why we all need a Savior.
Shakey Beginnings
Obviously, I wasn’t raised in the church. My mom, like many of us, had some poor church experiences herself. Once, when I was about 8 years old, a neighbor invited us to church. They told me about the fun activities in the Sunday School, and I eagerly asked my mom if we could go. In more or less words, she said “no”. It seemed harsh at the time, and I had no idea what she was talking about—I didn’t even know what church was, really—but later I learned about some of the things she experienced in church when she was growing up.
For a long time I thought I was disadvantaged. I had to learn about God by myself. I remember praying to God to stop the rain so I could play. And when the rain stopped I knew God existed. Then my mom still wouldn’t take me to the park, and I knew there was no God.
Seeking God in All the Wrong Places
Throughout my teenage years I experimented with various methods of Pagan worship, Buddhism; I even found a deep admiration of the Islamic religion. In high school I had teachers who tried to take me under their wings. They planted seeds when opportunities presented themselves. A friend gifted me a Bible and I struggled to read it, resigning to skim the theme-categorized verses in the back. Still, nothing stuck.
Once, in a TV show, a scene depicted a man in prison telling the priest that he likened God to a big bully, picking teams on a volleyball court. “Pick me, God, choose me,” he cried. That cry echoed in my brain for years.
I attended a handful of churches as I grew. Sometimes I sat through service, only to wonder once it finished, “is that it?” Sometimes I became suddenly overwhelmed by a rush of emotion. “Pick me, God. Choose me.” I ran out, and I cried, without the slightest clue as to why.
For most of my life, I’ve tried filling that God-sized hole in the pit of my stomach with pleasures of the flesh. Drugs, alcohol, toxic relationships, escapism, self-harm. God says, “seek, and you will find” (Matthew 7:7). I felt like I sought everywhere, but found nothing but pain.
New Christian, with So Many Questions
So when I stumbled into this church, weathered and broken with nothing left, I envied those around me who never questioned their salvation. When I signed up for Biblical Counseling, one intake question asked, “If you died today and God asked you, ‘Why should you go to Heaven,’ what would you say?” and I answered, “you shouldn’t. But I tried.”
What I learned in those counseling sessions would teach me one thing in particular. That statement equally indicated everything that was wrong with my theology, and everything that was right with it.
What I learned in Biblical Counseling changed my life. I learned that none of us deserves Heaven. If any of us could earn the the righteousness of Heaven, Jesus wouldn’t have had to die on the cross. I learned that all the effort and good works in the world won’t get us into Heaven. God’s grace and His forgiveness are free gifts, paid by the bloody sacrifice of Jesus Christ.
In those counseling sessions, I learned what True Saving Faith is.
Christ isn’t Lost, We are
I also learned that those I envied so deeply for their security of faith also struggled. That growing up in the church, for many of them, wasn’t an advantage. Some grew up believing that they were saved due to their roots and standing in the church. I learned that many of my church family who did grow up in church believed they were saved for so long, only to discover that they didn’t really know Christ at all.
In high school I had a teacher who said to me, “I can’t wait for you to find God. Because I know that when you do, you’ll have a real relationship with Christ.” Much like that cryptic quote from a television drama just a year prior, this passing statement stuck with me. Sometimes almost taunting me, but most it felt comforting. Still, I never quite understood what it meant to have a relationship with Christ. Until I found a church, and a church family, who really took the time and care to disciple me.
Still Learning
I’ve learned that growing up in the church isn’t always an advantage. I’ve learned that it depends on the church, and its members. The love they have for one another and the time they take to really disciple one another, and their focus on Christ and the hearts of its members makes the difference. Just the same, not growing up in the church isn’t always a disadvantage. The painful trials I’ve suffered—the consequences of my own sin—and the fight I had to face, the war I waged against myself and against God, in the end, led me to Christ. And it drove me to search painfully and desperately for the Truth, for a real, meaningful connection with God. It drove me to search for something more than the superficial faith I saw all around me.
Most importantly, I learned that God did choose me, “just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world” (Eph 1:4). And I believe that I needed to suffer the way I did, to conform me to His will and to prepare me for the path He’s laid out for me. So now I say, “therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses” (2 Cor 12:9).
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Emily is a Christian mother and blogger who lives in sunny Florida with her three children. She works full-time setting appointments at a home remodeling company and in her scarce free time she enjoys serving her fellow brothers and sisters in Christ however possible, and spending as much time in prayer, Bible reading and studying, and fellowship as possible. As a recovering addict, she has a heart for addiction ministry, and for creating things so she can give back to those who have need.
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