My journey to salvation has felt like a desperate, life-long struggle. I’ve turned to witchcraft, flirted with Satanism, pleaded and begged God to show me a sign, to direct me–to choose me. Little did I know, He already had.
My definitive proof came when I became pregnant with my first daughter, Nova. She was my first proof-positive sign from God. The first that I recognized, anyway. And certainly the first of many.
An Insecure Believer
Though I knew God existed and I believed in Jesus and the basic tenants of the Bible, I never called or considered myself a Christian. I noticed that unbelievers rarely seem to actually have anything against God. Rather, their problems are almost overwhelmingly with the churches they’ve been to and the Christians they’ve known. These churches and Christians represent Christ so poorly that those in the realm of their influence want nothing to do with “that” religion. In fact, their entire understanding of Christ is based upon these misrepresentations. And long before I knew that causing others to stumble in such a way as this is actually a sin, I knew I didn’t want to be responsible for someone else gaining a false image of Christ. More simply, I didn’t know what “Christian life” was, but I knew I didn’t live a Christian life.
What’s So Wrong With Me?
So I went on with my life, periodically in full-sin, sometimes even to the point of detesting God fully. Brief periods of faith would follow with longer periods of sorrow, and I’d often ask myself what was so wrong with me that God seemed so uninterested. What was so wrong with me that wasn’t wrong with anyone else? Often I’d act out, spitefully, from this very thought–which I know now to be the lies of the enemy.
The truth is, as my pastor says, “I’m not as bad as I think I am–I’m so much worse.” We all are. The Bible tells us that none of us is good, and that we all fall short of the glory of God. If not for this, we wouldn’t need the great redemption of our savior, Jesus Christ.
Living a Life of Sin
I found myself stuck in this cycle of rebellion, then turning back to God with my tail between my legs, and rebelling again. I’d visit a handful of churches throughout my life only to walk away feeling overwhelmed, left out, outcast, or wholly unfulfilled. And so the cycle would continue.
Then I separated from my husband and began the process of divorce, which meant moving back in with my parents and finding a new place to live large enough for myself and them, and my three children.
Finding the Right Church
God often speaks to us through people he puts in our path. And so he sent me a realtor, Cristine, who went above and beyond to get us into the house of my dreams. Moreover, she invited us to her church, which would turn out to be the church of my dreams.
I began attending for the sake of my children. And out of a sense of obligation. At this point I was working exhaustively, driving an hour each way to take Nova to school and work a 10 hour shift, waking up before the sun rose and getting home after it set. I frequently slept through sermons.
Sin in Full-Swing
When Cristine urged me into our church’s Biblical Counseling, I obliged. But soon I found it too inconvenient with my hectic schedule, and I certainly didn’t have time for all the homework. I was too tired! So I stopped counseling, and not long after, going to church altogether. And not long after that, I relapsed, and I went back out for a little over a year. During this time I experienced trauma I never could have imagined. I saw a side of the world and of humanity I never knew existed. I did unspeakable things and had unthinkable things done to me. Worse, I thought God had altogether abandoned me, and I gave up hope entirely.
Then I got hit by a car. And I survived. And though my mom let me come home, I still went back out again. Somehow I was sure, with every fiber of my being, that God had saved me from death simply because I didn’t deserve to escape the punishment of living the way I had been.
God Works in Mysterious Ways
But God put someone else in my path. The fire captain drove an hour to pick me up, from a trap house in the middle of the night. He then drove me an hour back to check me into detox. And when I insisted on being released the following day, he met me at the facility. He urged me to try medication and outpatient treatment, and drove me home to my mom’s house. There he spoke with my mom to confirm my story. And he visited me every day until my first appointment, to bring me my medications, and to assure I was still home.
After about a month, I felt well enough to start looking for work, still recovering from a broken ankle and back, and I started bringing my kids to church again. And I was received with all the same love I had been the first time. But something started to change. I started to feel welcome, not just in the church, but in the Bible, and in Christ. I started feeling called to do more.
Starting on a New Path
When Nova decided she didn’t want to attend her own Sunday School anymore, I decided I’d start attending one of the adult Sunday School classes so she’d attend with me there. Then I felt called to start going to counseling again. And the following Sunday, our sermon began with a presentation on the church’s Biblical Counseling services, with testimonies given by members of my church family that I didn’t yet know, but had seen every week. Many of them found the church through Biblical Counseling, and God had transformed their lives through these sessions. I knew it was my sign, and I signed up instantly.
Stepping Out in Faith
I quickly realized that work was getting in the way again. But this time, I knew that God, and church, and the spiritual work I’d started were more important than anything else. And soon after that God opened a door for me to start a new job, which I’ll begin the first week of the new year.
My faith has continued to grow, and with it my understanding of and relationship with Christ. I feel joy and peace in ways I’d never expected. And I now know that God never abandoned me–though I did abandon Him. In fact, He did choose me. And He chose my trials.
Everything for a Purpose
He let me experience all that I went through, all of which was my own doing, not to punish me, but to help me fulfill my purpose. To give me a solid foundation to build on, and to help others like me. God has called me to share my story to glorify Him, who pulled me out of the darkest of places and has given me, and is still giving me, a life I never dreamed possible.
Now my foundation is more firm, and still growing more solid. I devote time to building it every day, so when the seeds are sown they can take root in good soil–to yield crops one hundred, sixty, or thirty times over.
So to tell of when I found Jesus–I didn’t. He was born in my heart 31 years ago, almost 32 now. All I had was to look within, to seek out His instruction, to accept help and guidance. All I had was to allow Him the opportunity to make Himself known.
He never abandoned me, I just didn’t know where to look.
Read more about my testimony as a new Christian who didn’t grow up in church.
Also, follow us on Facebook and Pinterest.
Emily is a Christian mother and blogger who lives in sunny Florida with her three children. She works full-time setting appointments at a home remodeling company and in her scarce free time she enjoys serving her fellow brothers and sisters in Christ however possible, and spending as much time in prayer, Bible reading and studying, and fellowship as possible. As a recovering addict, she has a heart for addiction ministry, and for creating things so she can give back to those who have need.
Pingback: God Used it for Good - When Life's Tragedies Make Sense. – Raising the Saints